Uber-caretaker needs a glass of wine ASAP

I need a super giant glass of fine red wine – okay, maybe a bottle. I am in Los Angeles this week with my 78 year-old father-in-law who is having surgery on Monday. I am along to make sure recovery goes smoothly. We'll take all the lit candles, good energy and prayers you can send our way. My mother in law passed away a few years ago and I naively promised on her death bed that I would take care of her son (my husband) and husband, Jack. I know, what was I thinking?

On the most part it is no burden. We are family – it is what we do, right? In the Filipino culture, elders move in with their children. There is no question, nothing to discuss. It just happens. I love Jack – foibles and all. But he is not Filipino, he doesn't have that expectation. Actually living with us is probably the last thing he would want to do.

In the past few months, he has been diagnosed with some cognitive brain damage. He doesn’t have dementia/Alzheimer’s but it is often a precursor. His doctor has said it is a matter of time. For a man, who always prided himself on being a conversationalist, well read and worldly. It has been difficult to watch him have challenges finishing sentences and relaying stories and struggle with everyday tasks. Maybe we are just noticing it, but his decline has been steep in the last few months.

He is very active. He volunteers 3 days a week at a senior food pantry. He does yoga, is a library regular and goes ballroom dancing almost every day. On one hand, he is the epitome of a spunky senior. His days are his own. What a wonderful place to find yourself. I wish I could say my days were the same.

On the other hand, the brain damage means sometimes things around the house don’t get done; like managing his money and cleaning his home. Often he forgets the task at hand, starts one thing and digresses to another never finishing the task. He calls my husband and I and relays the same story three or four or five times. (Hey, maybe that explains MY own problems.)

My husband and his brother have really pitched in to help dad. (As much as men can and know how; but that topic is worthy of its own post) We're working on getting a handle on the state of his health care, are working on figuring out the finances and are having conversations about what future housing and care arrangements options are available. I am proud of “us kids” for working together to figure this out.

It is not easy. Some issues are easier than others. Figuring out his health insurance is a nightmare for one. Geez, I went to college and can read. It is impossible to make heads or tails with some of these things. Don’t get me started on medicare! I'm definitely not ready to have the conversation about whether he should be driving yet. We are NOT going there yet!

When did I become an adult? I remember when our first child was born and all our visitors left and I was left alone with a crying baby. I felt this weight on my shoulders that I knew would never go away. But now with Jack to take care of, I feel like an uber-adult, moreover the uber-caretaker. We all have baggage about our relationships with our parents. I wonder if relationships with our in-laws are even more skewed because we are adults and want to be civil and respectful. Maybe it is just me, but I treat Jack better than my own parents because, well, he isn't my father. I can't yell at him, like I would if I were a teenager. But there are moments when I admit I treat him like my third child. Speak slowly, try to listen and repeat, repeat, repeat.

It's funny though that all that "growing up baggage" gets in the way and filters our approach to care.
Its been interesting to watch how it affects his sons. I never hated Jack for not showing up at my game. I never wished that he was cooler or gave me a car. I never had expectations that he was going to save the day and solve all my problems. No, I see him as the man he is - and that is all I can do. I supppose I have some expecatations of what grandpas should do - you know spoil the kids, buy them ice cream and tell jokes. He fulfills those expecations for me, so I guess in that regard I owe him for giving my kids those memories.

Regardless, Jack- the spunky senior, has quite a few more years ahead of him. My hope is that we (the brothers and I) are able to get through the logistics of aging and caring for a parent quickly. Then we can spend our energy on enjoying the time we have together. My life is fuller because of my family. My days are filled with soccer practices, dance class and macaroni and cheese lunches. Jack brings glaucoma surgery, doctor’s appointments and visits with lawyers and accountants. He also brings the lesson of patience, perseverance and laughter.

Uber adult and caretaker – that’s me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Though a good bottle of red wine, a massage and vacation every now and then would be nice☺

Comments

[Go-Go Mommy]

Wow! You are quite a woman! I wish the best for your father-in-law's surgery and will light a candle.

Just know this, when I was in high-school and then college I witnessed my parents and uncle care for my last grandparent - my paternal grandmother. They set up quite a routine to make sure she could stay in her own home which was her wish. They didn't deviate from this over the years even when she suffered a stroke and lost most of her mobility. They did get a nurse to help at that point (after my father hurt his back lifting her) but they still remained her main caregivers making sure either my mother, father, or uncle were with her for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and to help her to bed each night.

I tell you this because while this can be a long road, it is something your children will always remember and be proud of. In fact, my husband and I were dating and would go to visit her. Some of our best shared memories were of my beautiful grandmother - she was always such a light even when she suffered so much.

My husband and I try to teach our little ones that it's not what you say, it's your actions that count. Just remember that those actions are having a very positive impact on your children and showing such respect for your family will definitely be repaid to you in the long run!

[xiaolinmama/sheilabd]

Thanks J! You are so kind. I will defitely try to remember your words of wisdom on those "tough" days.

[Air Force shoes]

The snowy night is boundless, you know a grass the dream? Cold alone, she embraces a faith to warm up, when the spring turns over to the earth, she by two piece of green leaf regards spring, but that two piece of green leaves