XiaolinMama

Late New Year Resolutions: Being Gentle

What happened to January?  I had BIG plans for January- you know the kind that change the world. Well, not really, but the kind of plans that made it easier to find shoes in my closet and the kind that would require to me to HAVE to buy new jeans, cuz I've lost SO much weight. sigh.  Alas we're in February and I'm left wondering what happened - kids, work, begin sick with the flu and a million reasons. 

This year the one resolution I am going to keep it is being more gentle - with others and myself.   I am totally one of those gung ho gals - give me a task, I'll get it done. I'm laser.  Sometimes that means prioritizing, being focused, running over people and other minor tasks.  At the end, I am left with both a feeling of accomplishment and the guilt of ignoring competing needs/people. 

So this year, I working on being kinder and letting go of the guilt and cutting me some slack. 

Help out a sistah, keep me honest on this will ya?

My Letter to a Nine Year Old

Dear C,

You are nine today - which means you have been in my thoughts and heart for over a decade.

Today we celebrated your birth with a bowling party, it was chaotic, loud - and perfect. Just like you. I watched you laugh and joke with your friends. I watched you as you bowled with confidence and could tell that you felt safe around these boys - from school, soccer and neighborhood and your aunties and uncles.   They were all there because you, my dear boy are a loyal friend and a good kid.  You are loved.

This year, you have begun to come into your own. You stand taller and actually are coming out of your typical quiet shell.  You spoke with your grandmother tonight and had a LONG conversation. I was bowled over by the sheer joy you had on your face recounting the details of your party.  You are not typically a talker (unless it is about video games) - but wow, things are a changin'.

Over the past few months, I have caught myself wondering, "is that MY son?"  You are becoming a boy, not a baby.  You are ready first in the morning, are pushing back when the family jokes with each other and show patience and tenderness (usually) when playing with your little sister.  I marvel at how tall you have grown in the last few months and was shocked to find that you have such big feet in comparison to your chums...hmmm?  You are going to be taller than I thought.  You are not mushy and cuddly any more, there is NO baby fat on you.    You are gangly, but run like a beautiful gazelle.  I have hugged you more lately, readjusting my expectation of a returned sloppy kiss. 

I love to have real conversations with you. You are incredibly observant and have the memory of an elephant. You can call me on my Sh*t.  Yes, sometimes mommies are not as neat as they could be.  Whatever - I am the mom here. 

You are funny, athletic, thoughtful and smart. Your dad and I have such high expectations, sometimes it amazes me that you can live up to them. Like us, you are born first.  You are the responsible one, the one we think should know better and the one who generally actually  listens. This is the first time you have struggled with school. It has been amazing to watch your thought process and how you learn. I know you will be fine.

Thanks for teaching me to be a mother. For reminding me daily that things change and I better pay attention.  Thanks for being sensitive and reminding me that despite all that growth, you are still my baby boy and that there are times when only your mama will do.

Love,
Mom

Holding Hands

Last week I had the luxury of going to my neighborhood diner - all by myself for 45 whole minutes!  Just me, toast, coffee and my daily planner.  The place was packed. To my left, a couple of young hipsters - a hair dresser and a musician.  Both chatted away loudly and excitedly about holiday parties and their weekend adventures.  (These tables were close people!)  To my right were an elderly couple in their 70s, who were having breakfast in what must have been their "usual" spot as evidenced by the waiter's familiarity with their special needs -  slightly warmed up milk in a tall cup and a tea extra hot.  I sat squarely in the middle both literally and figuratively. 

I looked at the youngsters and could not help but think about what it was like to be at the beginning of a relationship, when all is new and you just can't get enough of that new person.  They held hands.  She looked at him longingly.  It was obviously a new love.  The elderly couple spoke about their volunteering at the local hospital.  They read the paper, had their beverages and held hands too.  They had the hands solidly denoting a love that is assured - one that has been tested over the years and has endured.  Maybe I was reading too much into their interactions.  Maybe I was just hormonal. 

Life at our house is super hectic - the kids, taking care of a sick grandparent and jobs.  The weeks go by quickly and weekends even faster.  Who has time to hold hands? 
The experts say a "date night" is essential to keeping the flame in your marriage lit. Is that it?  How about 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, a personal assistant to take care of all the "little things" that occupy my time, like laundry and reports  or B12 pills to help with my memory issues?  My dear husband and I are way past the puppy love phase. I am thankful for him - some days more than others. So if we make it through parenthood then maybe we'll be like the elderly couple.  I'll be having a mimosa though.

A Soccer Mama's New Eyes

I have written several times about the joys and angst of my children playing soccer.  I get frustrated by the competitiveness and horrible way parents behave sometimes and wonder what we are teaching our kids with examples like that to watch.  But this weekend it all changed for me.

A ten year old boy died this weekend on the way home from a two day soccer tournament in Manteca, CA.  My son and family are part of the same soccer club - Santa Clara Sporting.  Jonathan Manzo Chavez, affectionately called "Pretty Boy"  by his team mates, was headed home after the Saturday game.  He scored a rare goal and was headed home to buy new cleats after a great win. Instead, their mini-van was side swiped and he was airlifted to Children's Hospital Oakland, where he passed away upon arrival.

The tourney was about 90 minutes from our home in Silicon Valley.  My son's game was at 8 a.m. the next morning, so we along with other team families decided to spend the night in a hotel.  I received the message late Saturday evening and wasn't quite sure how to tell the boys and parents on the team.   Jonathan was one year older, but many of the boys knew him. They were all part part of the same team - the ones with the green and white striped jerseys.  Jonathan's team chose not to return to play in the tourney the next day and every game held a moment of silence before commencing with play.

I admit there are times when I am totally distracted at games or practice, like I am in a fog - seeing but not clearly.  I am usually thinking about the mile long to-do list I have not tackled,  the dinner I need to make or the report that is due to a client.  But during that Sunday game, I watched it with new eyes. I marveled at how tall my son has grown, how I could see the muscles in his strong legs and how he runs like a graceful gazelle - just like his father.  He is not the "best" player on the team, but at this game he was focused and simply played his best game yet.  I could tell that he was in his element, the year's practices had paid off and that he would not have wanted to be anywhere else but there.  They won and are seeded #1 as a team with no one person being the star.

When the paramedics came to Jonathan's aid, he was still wearing his Santa Clara Sporting uniform.  He begged them not to cut his jersey because he would need it for the game the next day.  Little did he know that he just played his last game.  It reminded me that as parents we get so caught up on things that just don't matter - a incorrect game call, complaining about how early a game is or winning the game.  The boys however, just want to be playing. They just want to be out there with their team mates - goofing around, making fart jokes, burping and having fun.  After all that is what being 9 is about, right?

As a mama, I have been hugging my kids a whole lot more lately.  I have a new respect for a game that this ten year old loved so much.    I have been trying to savor the moments of joy that I get to witness every day. Thank you Jonathan for helping to clear up the fog I have been in.

How to Help: Financial support and donations to help defray hospital and burial costs can be made electronically via a PayPal Account set up for the Chavez family, or checks can be sent in the name of "Jonathan Manzo Chavez Memorial Trust" (Acct # 376000010) to the United Labor Bank at 2550 N. First Street, Suite 102, San Jose, Calif. 95131. They can also be mailed to the Santa Clara Sporting office at 282 Brokaw Road, Santa Clara, Calif. 95050.

Cross posted to SV Moms Blog.

Blog World Expo Weekend

This weekend I had the chance to attend Blog World Expo in Las Vegas. Yes, what happens in Vegas usually stays in Vegas - except for when you are attending at blogging conference. Then everything said and done is documented and sent around the world via twitter, blog posts and actual talking to each other the next morning. It was a good time - a few interesting panels and many great parties.

Like any conference, the real learning happens in the hall ways, over drinks and when meeting new folks or folks you have met online. It was a huge cross section of bloggers - tech, real estate, military, political, and the godbloggers. It made for a crazy mix of folks.

Here's a snap from the TechSet party at the Mirage's Bare pool, where normally women pay $20 bucks to lay poolside and men pay $40.00. Swanky! Met loads of folks and quite a few free and overpriced drinks.

Had the opportunity to speak this year as a last minute replacement with City Mama and Susan Getgood at the "How to Pitch to (Mom) Bloggers" panel. We had more people in the room than I thought given the audience of BWE and had a ton of questions during and afterwards. Susan kept the session moving and being both a marketer and a mom she had a ton to contribute. Stefania and Susan seriously kick ass. Go over to City Mama's post to read what she didn't get to say on the panel to PR folks. Again, she. kicks. ass. Enuf said.

I learned a whole bunch and left with a million new ideas of what I could do to beef up my personal blog and helped me clarify why I even write this blog. It also helped validate our strategies for launching my latest venture Lookiloos. Most importantly, reminded me that I actually knew more about this than I gave myself credit for.

A few key take aways include:
* Twitter can mobilize masses - or just be an avenue for sharing what you had for lunch.
* At the end of the day, it is ALL about great content. (ala Guy Kawasaki)
* There are a gazillion social media tools and you DON'T have to use them all - just the ones that will work for you or will help you reach your audience.
* Men think a "Hotchick" can sell anything on a video pod cast. (Oh geez, that must explain Sarah Palin!)
* Pack lunch when going to BWE - cuz, you're on your own for food.
* Even boys get giddy when they meet someone they only know online - SO cute to watch. Kinda like BlogHer without all the hugging and squealing.
* Marketers still struggle with figuring out how to outreach to mom bloggers - to some it is a complete mystery that I am not sure they will ever master.

The expo floor had a lot of resources with some great swag. I picked up a few videos including "The Real John McCain" and "Uncounted: The New Math of American Elections" from the BlogCritics booth. I was hoping to win a new wii game from the Yard Barker booth, but left with a ping pong ball. (uh, thanks...) I also got some antibacterial gel from Tara at the Lijit booth. (A very cool tool you all should install on your blogs asap!)

The best swag of the weekend had to be my Maker's Mark Drink Shaker. The MM bus was handing them out, while they were signing up voters. (Does a MOMocrat proud.) As I loaded 4 shakers into my suitcase, I overheard one young woman admit she was not registered and wasn't thinking she had the chance to do so since she traveled so much. The MM person quickly pointed out the computers they had onboard the bus and told her if she registered she could have 2 shakers. She actually went on the bus and signed up! Hot damn, nicely done MM dude! Nicely done!

Overall, great weekend. Now on to figuring out what it all means.

Birthday Math

Today is my birthday! I told my son a while back that I was 21 (NOT true!) and since then he has been diligently adding a year to my age.

So this year, my 5 YO daughter asked me how old I was going to be. I told her to ask her brother. They figured out that I was turning 31. ( Bless their hearts- I'm really turning 36 today.)

So I was telling my hair dresser about the kids and Mateo in all his brilliance says. "Well girl, 40 is the new 20, so happy 16th bday to you!"

Now that is MY kinda math.

THAT mother’s travel prep list…

I am coming to the realization that I have become “THAT” mother.  As you all know airlines no longer serve food, so as a good momma I load the kids up with snacks for the trip home from our summer vacation. PBJ sandwiches and all the pertinent gear to make everyone happy – dvd player, Nintendo DS, Ipod, laptop, books, crayons and candy.    I am feeling like I am on it.  This shouldn’t be too painless.  We are all prepared for 8 hours of flying, ferrying and taxi rides.

We seem to be all settled in on our first leg of the plane ride leg #1.  Then I look over to the woman in the aisle across from us and see her reading to her child (Harry Potter or something) and then doling out cut vegetables and a chunk of cheddar for snacks. Hey now… What the heck, you are making me look bad lady! 

I look back at my kids – Dunkin Donuts in one hand and ginger ale in the other.  Both kids watching a DVD and the other is multi-tasking by also playing a video game.  Yup, I am cringing at what she must think…  well no, not really.  I’m draining the rest of my Baileys into my coffee, wondering why I only got one bottle – must.get.another.bottle.  The vacation is over and mommy needs to prepare to get back to the real world.  Where is the flight attendant?!

MTV Movie awards huh?

I obviously am not in the MTV demographic anymore being a momma of two a slightly older than 20 :) , but wow it just seems extra lame this year. Really, am I that old?  Am I really that uncool? 

I am watching the MTV awards and am just blown away by how the pin up guys of my day are back - Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp and even Robert Downey Jr.   The audience cheered - but they just didn't get it - these guys are trying TOO hard  or maybe it is that their agents are trying desperately to make them relevant to younger folks?   Even Robert Downey Jr. looked like he thought his appearance was lame at best - he couldn't say more than 5 seconds of thanks. I sure he was thinking - like what they hell am I doing here???   Johnny Depp, said "this is sweet..."  What?  Huh?  What kinda speech is that? 

Now don't get me wrong the men all looked fantastic.  When Johnny Depp graced the stage when winning an award, I was amazed how much he looked like he did when he was in Cry Baby or 21 Jump Street - oh the 80s, how I loved them and the boys in my Teen Beat. 

My favorite bit was Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr. and Ben Stiller and them trying to figure out how to  reach younger people -how do we go viral- old guys trying hard - how appropos.

Where are all the women I grew up watching?  You know Molly RIngwald, Demi Moore and Olivia Newton John???  No where!   They have all evolved passed MTV apprearances - Molly is on Broadway, Olivia is a cancer survivor and still sings and well Demi, she figured out how to marry a hunky younger guy!  Now that all deserves an award!!  Got one of those MTV??

How to impress the UCLA Basketball team

City Mama is having this great contest at her blog.  Share your most embarrassing fitness story and you could win a Wii Fit!  Boy, oh boy do I want one of those.   I'm thinking I could use all the help I can get to fit into a bathing suit this summer.  I have no shortage of embarrassing stories, so here is mine:)

I am obsessed with college basketball, it is probably because it is the only sport I REALLY know how to play.  Regardless, I love watching the game and in college I especially LOVED watching the UCLA men's basketball team!   Talk about hotties!  I worked at the athletic department so was friends with a few of them and secretly - ok, not so secretly, wanted to date the team.  I was seriously their number one fan.

One weekend, I was at a party with some of the players and we all got to chattin' about our weekend schedules and the times that they'd be at the training room for their daily workout.  I, of course, in my drunken stupor loudly said, "Yup I'll be there too.  I, of course, am training to do a race.  I'll see you all there."  Um, did I mention, that NO I was not training for a race, never really been on a treadmill or even liked to run unless it was toward an ice cream stand.  But those little minor issues didn't keep me from dragging my roomie to go "running" with me to impress the team with all our "athletic prowess".  ( You can see where this is headed, right?)   

Well we got there, slightly hung over, and got on the treadmill. Walking seemed easy enough.  The cute boys walk in and start their workouts.   My girlfriend starts to run, so I start to run.  Yup, I am breathing hard now!  Am starting to think this is not putting me in the best of light here and then yes, it happens.  I trip on myself and fall onto the treadmill and then the floor.   Ooof!  The room is silent - my gal pal busts out laughing, which starts everyone laughing.   I turn beet red!   Aack! Someone  comes over to help me up, but I can barely look up.  I try to walk out the room looking down and then hit the doorway.   Geez, get me out of there...

A month later, I do go on a date with one of the players.  While there wasn't much chemistry, we did have a good laugh remembering that day in the gym! 

Doctor Mom

One of my best friends graduated with her PhD in Education this weekend.  She is one of those brilliant women, whom you know will make a huge difference in the world. Not only does she run a extremely important non-profit that helps young people of color begin careers in medicine, but she managed to volunteer and go to school at night.  Yes, she was busy and I didn't get to see her as often as I would have liked, but damn I am SO proud of her and all that she has accomplished. This weekend we threw a big party for her.  Music, great food and plenty of friends.  It was a good day.

As I headed home exhausted, I began to to think about how quickly time flies.  Was it really 4 years ago that she called telling me she was going to do this.   She even encouraged me to apply too - something I would have loved to do, but didn't, well couldn't.    It was about the same time that I told her I was pregnant again.  Hmmm.. graduate school, pregnant, full time job and 3 year old at home - even I am not THAT crazy.  I don't have any regrets - but I fully admit to having a tiny bit of envy.  For a selfish moment, I thought wow, J got a PhD and I haven't done anything.  No one is going to call me Dr.  I am such a loser!

Defining accomplishment is a moving target.   Success on spectacular days is birthing a healthy baby or launching a new business.  Most days accomplishment is getting to the office in time for a meeting without any food stains on my suit, figuring out how to get my son to soccer practice and daughter to dance class at the same time and keeping a sense of humor and perspective.   These days I have had more space in my head, more time to take care of me and more time to imagine what is possible. 

I know it is lame to wonder what if - but I wouldn't be normal if I didn't, er, right?  Yes, I don't have a PhD, but I AM called Mama - sometimes xiaolinmama and in honor of my friend J - you can also call me  Dr. Mom because surviving the last four years is a tremendous accomplishment, if I say so myself.  Shoot, I better throw myself a party!  Tequila anyone?